PokerBibley

Comment

2008-11-05T07:06:00.001-08:00

I just found this content and decided to post, if enough people leave a comment saying they would like to see this fixed up I will add paints and improve it. If no one gives a fuck so be it :)

John

2008-11-05T07:01:00.000-08:00

Crucifixion of Phesus

So it came to pass that on Day One ZA of the main event (there being now 226 day ones (starting at Day One AA and so on) in total following the increased popularity of the game after the emergence of the Son of Doyle, Phesus. Yes he is just that popular) that Phesus was moved to the television table.And Lo he did turn up late after crashing a car into a concrete bollard and walking away from the accident, just one of the many miracles he undertook, in fact very much latter someone knocked a bottle of water from the table top and Phesus trod on it thus proving he could infact walk on water.

Whilst on the TV table Phesus did raise from under the gun with AK and he did verily call a shove from a guy who had been getting on his tit’s. And thus it came to pass that Phesus had AK and matey boy KJ and it did tilt Phesus and awsfull lot when he did spike a jack and cripple Phesus.Phesus did exclaim. “Thou doeth not even know how to splell’ist the word poker you moran!” and he looked to the heavens and asked “My doeth you forsake me Doyle and let these Donkeys catch?” And so it came to pass that Chadas Crucified Phesus on national TV and Lorn Mcahern did deny he was the best player in the world three times.Resurrection of PhesusChadas was so guilty about the Crucifixion of Phesus that he commited suicide, by remarrying for a 14th time. Then it came to pass that Phesus was invited onto the national headsup championship.

And Lo he appraed on NBC and went onto win the whole thing and raise his profile from the dead, at this point he told the world “Doyle sent me to suffer for the sins of your bad calls, I was sent to be crucified and suffer outdraws for the whole of humankind”. And then he fcked off and bought himself and Islande somewhere.

Valet of Doyle

O Card Room Valet, that takest away the Dirty Plates of Food, for a small tip from us.O Card Doom Valet, that takest away the half finished drinks, for a small tip.O Card Room Valet, that takest away or filthy mess, please bring us a tea, white, one sugar please.

The Good Player

I am the good player. The good player lays down a hand when he thinks his beat and protects his chips. The bad player gets married to big pair and cares not for the welfare of his stack on a dangerous board.I am the good player; I know my fish but my fish do not know me- for I do not tap on thy tank. The reason my fish love me is that I give them action and play with flair knowing wher im at but acting as the fish do. They do not know I’m really a fcking shark im will devour them.

The Parable of the Prodigal Stake Horse

2008-11-05T06:59:00.002-08:00

Famed Backer E-Dog had two favourite Stake horse’s, Bill Gazes and Gavin Williams and Lo he was proud on the odd occasion they returned unto him something that was more than peanuts. One day Gavin came to E-Dog and said “You now have made much money from my endeavours, I would like my fair share of this, as a respected and honourable player I deserve it”.

So E-Dog thought on this and decided to give a fair share to both of his favourite stake horses.So E-Dog Neteller’d each ‘Son’ $1,000,000 Gavin decided seeing as he had so much money he would have some fun with it and posted this on twoplustwo a thread entitled “How should I blow my dough?”. E-Dog warned Gavin to use the money wisely and play within his roll, this angered him greatly, Gavin did post “Up yours man, im going to have some fun.

I hate you, you’re so sad. Urrrrr, I hate you. You treat me like a kid!”So Gavin did leave in a big copulating huff, he left a loving Las Vegas home with many poker friends and most importantly he left E-Dog who had loved his play enough to entrust him with his stake monies and this made E-Dog extremely sad indeed and he did miss Gavin very much as he was a funny fcker.

Soon stories began to trickle back to Vegas that Gavin was making wild and lavish posts on The Quendon Mob (An English forum started by a group of Bridge players who originated in the small market town near Saffron Walden in England, the forum is renowned for being mostly populated by those on the fringes of the Bridge Community, real wild men by all accounts) and he had also been spotted on Full Tilt poker playing at the very highest tables, playing at limits that everyone knew where reckless to play even on a $1,000,000 (about €1,000 at the current exchange rate for European readers) bankroll.

Eventually all the money was gone and with it so where his new forum ‘Fair weather’ friends, soon Gavin was forced to play FTP point comps and eventually he was reduced to playing 2700 man free roll’s for very little return. His complaint’s about bad beats in free rolls soon saw him ridiculed on his new forums and eventually banned when he told all and sundry to “Suck on Big Gav’s cock you mothers!” Shortly after grinding for four hours and beating 2680 players to win .05, he realized he had reached rock bottom.As Gavin sat hunched over his PC poised to try and register for an after dark free roll before it filled, he found himself considering asking random players to wire him $1 and Lo this was the moment he decided something had to be done.

Gavin thought “At least when I was in Vegas it was warm and the buffets where plentiful although the food was of inferior quality, I shall return to Vegas and throw myself on E-Dogs Mercy”.So Gavin returned to Vegas and was hoping to be allowed to sleep on E-Dogs sofa and maybe do his laundry for food money till he got back into action. When he knocked on E-Dogs door he was warmly greeted by E-Dog “Gavin my old son, welcome back”. Gavin doth reply “I’m sorry E-Dog, I have sinned against you, Poker and Doyle, please forgive me and just let me sleep on your Sofa until I can get back unto the action”. Gavin wanted to continue to beg forgiveness but E-Dog stopped him “Welcome home Gavin, I will put you unto the action at once with a 50-50 chop.

Also I shall arrange a party tonight with much beer and many hookers!”Meanwhile Bill Gazes was busy cleaning out the pool after just completing a hard mornings work clearing E-Dogs guttering when he heard a commotion. Intrigued he wondered what was going on and listened into E-Dog’s frantic phone calls to arrange the party he was annoyed and resented the welcome Gavin was receiving so he decided to give the party a wide berth.

When E-Dog came to hear of this he did say unto him, “Bill, what the copulate is wrong with you?” To which Bill did reply, “Its not fair E-Dog, my staking brother went away and lost all his money playing high stake’s limits on Full Tilt and posting on forum’s that are ghey! Then he doest return and you throw him a party with Beer and hookers, I have stayed her and done works around your house the whole time and played at sensible stake well within my bankroll, yet you doeth treat me like the ghey one and throw no party in my honour!” E-Dog replied “But Bill we have to celebrate and be glad because this staking brother of yours was lost and now he is found! And besides he makes me laugh as his of his copulating head”

The Parable of the lost Chip

2008-11-05T06:59:00.001-08:00

“How think ye? if a man has an hundred chips, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth under the table and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that chip, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Which doeth make no sense at all really”

The Last Home Game

2008-11-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

As I received from the lord Phesus I will pass onto you,

Phesus on the night he was betrayed called all his disciples together at his comped suite at the Bellagio, The suite was comped because the owners know what a class act and all-round great guy Phesus is and wanted to make sure he stayed there in the run up to the Main event.

When the disciples arrived Phesus invited them to be seated around a green felted altar, Chadus was sat to the left of Phesus and had joked that, “He had position on the Son of Doyle!” which no one found at all funny.Phesus took out a big wedge of cash before they started and said, “this is the money I earned last night, when ever you have a profitable session think of me and the things I have taught you, because without me you would all be nothing”Then he picked up a bottle of Dom Perignon and poured a glass and said “Take this all of you and drink it, and when you drink this classy, elegant champagne think of me, a classy elegant guy”And the disciples did as Phesus had instructed, Phesus then said, “Before this Main event is over one of you will have betrayed me, on national TV” and he went on to say, “one of you will also deny me three times, also on national TV”.

The disciples all made protestations and reaffirmed there loyalty to Phesus, Lon Machern being them most vocal, “I would never deny you Phesus, it is clear you adre the greatest player of the poker and the true Son of Doyle, not the heritic Todd who lacks all of your charisma and is not a classy guy like you who drink Dom Perignon!”Phesus just nodded his head sagely and then reiterates “I will be betrayed by one who is now present, there shall be woe to the man who betrays the Son of Doyle! It would be better for him if he had not been born, because he is a classless guy, not at all like me, ahem”The Resurrection of Lazastraus, AKA A Chip and a ChairPhesus and his disciples where watching the ‘82’ main event after Phesus has been knocked out by yet another horrendous bad beat with which he took with grace and style, because he is such a class act.

When the player know as Jack ‘Tree top’ Lazastraus lost a big pot and wlaked away from the table thining he was eliminated.Phesus noticed that he had one chip remaining under a napkin and called him back, saying “Hey Jack, you have a chip left. And that’s all you need A Chips and a chair”. Lazastraus returned to the table and was renewd by the words of Phesus, he turned that chip into a might stack and went on to win the series of ‘82’ main event and it was all down to Phesus and he should have been crowned the true champion of that year, but being Phesus he did’nt even mention it and let some anonymous waited take the credit for seeing the remaining chip, which just goes top show what a class act he truly is.

Doyles Prayer

2008-11-05T06:56:00.000-08:00

Our Doyle,
whose art is poker,
hallowed be thy name;
thy flush draw come;
thy made hands won,
in Party as it is on poker heaven.

Give us this day our daily pots.
And forgive us our bad passes,
as we forgive those that make bad calls against us.
And lead us not unto the craps tables;
but deliver us from check raises.
For thine is the EPT,the WPT, and the WSOP glory,
For ever and ever.
Ahem

Luckey

2008-11-05T06:55:00.000-08:00

Sermon on the Plane

And it came to pass that Phesus was representing UD in Europe, where he always felt comfortable because Lo he was a class act who drank Dom Pernigon. Phesus was persuaded to play the Phil of the Ivey at Chinese and he was getting killed so deicided to join Phil of the Ivey on his hired private charter back to the Las Vegas and attempt to win his money back. And Lo Phil of the Ivey did continue to crucify Phesus (sorry, poor choice of words) all the way across the Atlantic, but Phesus did not complain about what a lucky son of the Bitch Phil of the Ivey is and paid up promptly when they landed because his such a class act, as Phesus later told his disciples “Pay up to others, as thou would want to be paid up to thyself”

The Parable of the Good Samaritan

Whilst holding a UD sponsored training camp an expert in poker said unto Phesus, “What of the chances to steal chips when an opponent times out or is otherwise missing from the table? How are we to deal with these opportunities oh Lord Phesus?”And Phesus replied, “Treat your opponent as you would like to be treated unto yourself, you know me a good sport”But the fellow expert continued, “What do you mean be a good sport? Please answer my question properly!”And Phesus said, “One day there was a man at the WSOP on the bubble who had heard the wrong announcement from a neighbouring room and innocently mistaken the short break for the dinner break, when the other players returned they all set about stealing his blinds except for one man, an Irish man named Andy Black”“He played as slow as possible and with tears in his eye’s got the clock called on him time and time again, which do you think my learned friend was the good sport?”And the other poker expert did say, “I suppose, but don’t you think the crying was a bit much?” and Phesus said “Yes I suppose it was a bit”.

Mark I

2008-11-05T06:53:00.000-08:00

Entering Binions

And it came to pass that Phesus entered the hallowed halls of the Binions casino in down town Vegas, and he rode on the back of the donkeys he had knocked out in a satellite to win his entry to the main event.And he did triumph over the Chan and all did see that a great champion was born and what a class act he was too when he bought the entire crowd a bottle of Dom to share between them.Harrah’s IncidentAnd Phesus did return unto the Horseshoe at the news it had been sold to Harrahs.

When he enters the casino he is angered greatly by the many stalls selling all manner of poker related tat, “My house will be called a house of poker for all nationalities (even the French), But you have made it a den of Poker Crap!”And he turns over the table’s of the sellers of ridiculous poker themed sports drinks (fizzy water with sugar in it really), the extremely unfunny T-shirts (It was sooted, not really funny now is it) and bobble head card protectors and he drives the proprietors from the temple of poker.

The Parable of the Constant Raiser

“Behold, there was a Scandie raising every pot: And it came to pass that as he raised some raises went uncalled and he did win the pot there and then. Some raises where called and he did win a bigger pot on the flop with a continuation bet. And some raises where re-raised and he let it go if he had nothing.

But it did come to pass that when he had aces he got paid of handsomely as he was in every fcking pot”Demon Named LegionAnd it came to pass that Phesus was appointed the representative of Ultimatedeity.com in a sponsorship deal that Phesus refuses to talk about, because his such a class act. And whilst playing his obligated number of hours on the poker site he runs in to a player who is unpredictable and difficult to read and he is named

Legion.

And Phesus asked him, “What is thy name” And he answered saying, “Our name is Legion: for we are many”. And Phesus did tell the site admin that people where sharing accounts and breaking Doyle’s law’s as well as the site’s T&C’s and thou it came to pass that there account was perma banned.

Matthew VI

2008-11-05T06:52:00.000-08:00

Feeding the 5000

And the many had gathered to hear the Phesus talk about pot odd’s and playing small ball poker and the like. And it came to pass that the buffet had closed and the people where hungry. So Phesus did call for take out pizza’s and they did feed all the gathered masses, and Phesus did pay the bill and Lo he did tell everyone he had paid the bill so as they doeth not leave without knowing what a truly class act the Phesus is, AHEM.

Parable of the workers in Phil’s vineyard

And Phesus did ask his Disciples to sit upon the ground beneath the shade of an olive tree and he did tell them a parable,“There was once a rich, powerful, wise and handsome landowner named Phil, he wished to have his Vineyard cut down and burned to prepare for a new building he was going to have built to hold all the trophies he had earned from the game of the poker, Phil being wise did not wish to pay tax on these workers so he hired a group of immigrants standing on the corner of a street first thing in the morning”“He agreed to pay them all a shiny dollar for there days work and they where happy to receive it.

In the afternoon he returned to the same corner and there where more immigrants so he employed them as well to work in his vineyard”“In the late afternoon Phil again returned to the corner and employed the few remaining immigrants still looking for work and they worked for only an hour or so before the Sun disappeared for the day and work had to finish”“Then Phil gave all the immigrants the promised dollar for the day, and some of the immigrants took umbrage, they Said, “Oh great, handsome and humble Phil, we have toiled all day in the Sun and yet have been paid the same dollar as these guys who have only worked for an hour or so, is this not unfair?”“Phil replied did I not pay you the promised amount of a shiny dollar? Is this not my money to do with as I will? Does me paying these late comers the same as I agreed with you not show what a totally class act I am whilst doing no harm to you? And all the workers agreed that Phil was a class act and asked for autographs which he gave them because he is such a totally classy guy”

Matthew V

2008-11-05T06:51:00.001-08:00

The Commission of The Twelve

And it came to pass that Phesus decide he need acolytes to follow him and tell him how great his was, as Lo his ego was enormous.Phesus came across a gathering of poker Journo’s and commentators at a Ultimatedeity.com medi freebie and he did set about converting them to the be his twelve chosen followers and thus the where appointed to spread the word of his undoubted greatness. There was Matthew (Hilger), Lorn Machern, Norman of Chad, Anthony (Lukey) Holden, Des Wilson, Chad Brown, Jeese May,

Matthew IV

2008-11-05T06:50:00.002-08:00

The Tempatation of Phesus

An Lo it came to pass that Phesus was without a sponsorship deal, and the Angel of poker lead him into the Desert Inn Bar and he was approached by the Devilfish to come on board with Devilfish.com. But Lo the package was small and the site traffic and profile very lowly. But again the Devilfish did call unto Phesus with bottles of Dom and promises of unrealistic riches.

And again Phesus did turn away from the Devilfish saying, “I have had a tickle from Ultimatedeity.com, and although there reputation is disputed and there association with Absolute unquestioned they have offered me my own sport’s car with which I can crash into things with and they will cover the tab”

Matthew III

2008-11-05T06:50:00.001-08:00

The Sermon on the Mount
And then Phesus did wander with his appointed followers the 12 Apostles through the casino’s of Vegas and seeing the multitudes who had came out to see Phesus greatness he opened his mouth and taught them saying:…

The Beatitudes

“Blessed are the poor in chips, for in theirs is the equity greatest.Blessed are the weak, for there chips will be hovered up by the agros and used more wisely, Blessed are those which hunger, because the buffet opens at noon, rejoice in being dealt those aces, because you won’t see them again too soon

Matthew II

2008-11-05T06:49:00.001-08:00

Ummbbbeeerrrrtoooo the Baptists

Ummbbbeeerrrrtoooo was a distant cousin of the Phesus, he was a respected (respected and Ummbbbeeerrrrtoooo in the same sentence just fells so wrong) card player in his own right. He is rumoured to have given Phesus his baptism in poker having bought him his first pair of Oakley sunglasses at age three.

King Moss invited Ummbbbeeerrrrtoooo to his daughter’s 5th birthday party. He arrived and proceeded to get on everybody’s tits by waving the giant inflatable shark he had bought for the little girl under everyone’s face and saying “Say hello to my little Charrrrkkk”. He then managed to really piss of King Moss’s wife by saying the gown she was wearing mad he arse look, “Huuuuuugggggggeeeeee”.

When the band started King Moss’s daughter danced beautifully and the King was enraptured, he told unto to his daughter “You can have anything you wish!” The little girl did not know what to ask so she approached her mother for counsel, he mother said “Ask your father for the head of that twat Ummbbbeeerrrrtoooo on a silver platter”. And King Moss did arrange this a Lo there was rejoicing throughout the world of poker.

Matthew I

2008-11-05T06:48:00.000-08:00

Nativity of Phesus (1:18–25)Many years ago in a small town in Wisconsin there lived a young woman called Mary, she was engaged to be married to a local carpenter named Joseph. One day the Angel of poker Jen Harman appeared before her and told her she has been chosen to have a very special and gifted baby.

The child was to be the son of Doyle and she must call him Phesus.Son after the visit Mary and Joseph where married and before not to long Mary fell pregnant, at this time they where forced to travel many miles to the town of Las Vegas as Joseph had to attend a conference. There only mode of transport was a Donkey, quite symbolic when you think about it.When they eventually reached Las Vegas they where dismayed to find they where double booked and no room was available. They travelled up and down the Strip but where turned away every where, eventually they had to travel Down town. Wearily they tried one last place before giving up for the night, Binions horseshoe.

And Lo Benny did make his stable at the rear of the property available to them, at a reasonable discount.So it came to pass that the baby Phesus was born some few hours latter in a stable in down town Las Vegas, he was wrapped in cloth and laid in a manager full of hay.At the same time three dealers where finishing there shift’s at the Rio, when a bright light appeared over them. It was the Angel of Poker Jen Harman, she told them “Fear not, for this very night in Down town Vegas the Son of Doyle has been born”.The dealers hailed cabs down town and when they pulled up at the horseshoe they where overjoyed to see the Baby Phesus and they knelt down and worshipped him.

They told Mary how the Angel of poker, Jen Harman had visited them and told them that Phesus was to be the saviour of poker.Far away in the east three wise men of poker had been studying the stars of poker and realised a new star had appeared in the West. They went to Las Vegas and journeyed to the Palace of Sands Casino and asked King Moss where the new king was. King Moss was dismayed and thought this new king of poker would dethrone him so he asked the three wise men of poker to tell him when they found the Baby Phesus so he too could worship him.

The three wisemen of poker left the palace of the sand casino and journeyed down town to Binions horsehoe, they knelt down and worshipped the new poker king and gave him gifts of Dom peringon, Caviar and Cuban cigars. That evening Jen Harman visited them in a dream (She was clothed before you ask, it was’nt that sort of dream) and told them of King Moss’s plans to harm the Baby Phesus, so they left Veags shortly afterwards with out calling on Moss.

THE NEW POKER TESTAMENT

2008-11-05T06:47:00.000-08:00

THE NEW POKER TESTAMENT

The Book of Daniel

2008-11-05T06:44:00.000-08:00

SBRUGBY in the Lions Den

Brian was a great poker player, with wisdom and hand reading abilities well beyond his years. He had many big wins onlimne at the high stakes cash tables and although many admired his talent there where those that where jealous and felt Brian success made them look shite in the eyes of the Lord of Midlands Poker ‘Lord Mickey of Wernick’.

The jealous players where upset when they learned that Lord Wernick was proposing to his sponsor’s Blue Sq that Brian be granted a full sponsor deal for the GUKPT tour and felt this would leave them even further behind. “Something has to be done about this Brian and his game” they said behind closed door and in darkened corners.

They planned to find a weakness in his game and show how easy it was to exploit to Lord Wernick, they attacked his pre-flop game and found no flaws, they attacked his post flop play and turn/river betting and still no flaws.No matter how hard they looked they could not find anything wrong with Brian's game because he worked hard and kept accurate records and used poker tracker diligently every time he played online.

Then the jealous players said “Well maybe me can use his professional approach against him” so they came up with a devious plan.They came before Lord Wernick and said “We all think you’re the greatest poker mind in all the Midlands, and we think you should issue a command that for thirty days that no poker player should seek any guidance about there game or anything from any god, poker software or man except you oh wise and powerful Lord Wernick, and if anyone should seek guidance from anyone or anything but you they should be thrown in the Lions Den”. Lord Wernick said “Thrown in the a Lions Den! Well that’s a bit copulating much aint it? It’s only a game of cards after all!” But the jealous players did convince the kind Lord Wernick they others would think he was a ghey if he did not admonish a harsh punishment on any transgressors and it was signed in to law.

Brian heard of Lord Wernicks Decree but still the next time he came to play online he could not bring himself to turn of Poker Tracker and play without properly recorded results. This was just what the jealous players had hoped for and they rushed to Lord Wernick “Lord Wernick, may you live forever (Or at least longer than an over weight Brummie who spends all night, every night in casinos should do) Did you not sign a decree that for thirty days that no poker player should seek any guidance about there game or anything from any god, poker software or man except you, if so they should be thrown into the lions’ den?”“Well yes you know I copulating well did, in fact it was you lots idea really” well the jealous players answered in unison “We saw Brian using poker tracker on Blue Sq this very morning! He does not respect you or your order.”

This made Lord Wernick very sad, He knew that Brian was a good and honest player who played hard but fair. And so he worked into the night, trying to find some way to rescue Brian, but the law was the law and he could not. Then when all hope seemed lost he hit upon an idea, “What if I make it like a metaphorical, Lions Den! What if I like set him the task of FT’ing the GUKPT grand final at the Vic or something.

That’s a Lions Den of poker players and if he fails I’ll kill him or stop him playing or I dunno make him work as a valet at the Broadway with Danno and his dreamcoat as the boss, something proper grim”And Lo the Jealous Players where at first angered that he was not to be feed to the real Lions at the West Midlands Safari park but they also knew he had slim to no chance of making it through 300 hundred or so players of this class, so were not to gutted. On the occasion of the GUKPT grand Final Day 1A Lord Wernicks men pushed Brian into the Lions Den of the Vic, and Lord Wernick did say “May your numeric ability, hand reading and analysis of your own game save you!”. That night Lord Wernick could not sleep and he was on the APOP and Blande forums every ten minutes asking for an update. The next morning he was delighted to see that Brian has survived the Lions Den, with a stack just a little under the average.And so after a rest day Brian returned and just as on Day 1A, Day 2 proper started with Lord Wernicks men pushing Brian into the Lions Den of the Vic, and Lord Wernick did say again “May your numeric ability, hand reading and analysis of your own game save you!”

That day Brian survived numerous all in’s and to the relieve of Lord Wernick and the chagrin of the Jealous players he made the final table as a small stack but had made sure he would not be eaten alive by real Lions or even worse be Danny's beyatch at the Broadway.When Brian was finally pulled from the glare and lights of the Channel 4 camera’s with an impressive 5th place finish and a nice little earner Lord Wernick did demand the jealous players where brought before him. He immediately banished them from all the Card rooms in the land and all online rooms (except for Absolute).Lord Wernick then proclaimed “Greetings, people of all nations, races, and languages!I, Lord Wernick, decree that all people everywhere should honor and fear the Texts that Carlos serves so faithfully, David Sklansky’s Theory of poker and to a slightly lesser extent as its showing its age Doyle Brunson’s Super System, but stay away from anything written by Hellmuth, for it be shite”

PSALMS

2008-11-05T06:41:00.000-08:00

PSALM 23, A Psalm of David Benyamine (also known as the ode of the fatarse)

The Doyle my shepherd; I shall not want for chips.He maketh me to lie down on green felted pastures:He leadeth me beside the still (bottled) waters.He restoreth my stack:He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the Donks,I will fear no outdraw: for thou [art] with me; thy Superb and thy Systemic they comfort me.Thou preparest a buffet before me in the presence of mine enemies:thou anointest my head with Ipod; my stack runneth up.Surely pocket Aces and Kings shall follow me all the days of my life:and I will dwell in the house of the Cards for ever.

PSLAM 51 The Penitential Dealers Psalms1
. Have mercy on me, O Doyle, according to thy run good; according to thy abundant luck blot out my misdeals.
2. Wash me thoroughly from my bad cards, and tip me for my Aces!
3. For I know my mistakes, and my mistakes are ever before me.
4. Against thee, thee only, have I dealt bad cards, and dealt that which is rubbish in thy sight, so that thou art justified in thy plying and blameless in thy hands.
5. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Yes you are right I am a bastard.
6. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward being; therefore show me how to split a pot.
7. Purge me with water, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8. Fill me with joy and gladness; please don’t throw cards in my face.
9. Hide thy face from my misdeals, and blot out all my iniquities.
10. Create in me a clean shirt, O Doyle, and put a new and right spirit within me.
11. Cast me not away from thy table, and take not thy tips from me.
12. Restore to me the joy of thy Aces holding up, and uphold me with a big tip.
13. Then I will teach trainees thy ways, and bad dealers will return to thee.
14. Deliver me from laziness, O Doyle, thou Doyle of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of thy deliverance.
15. O Doyle, open thou my ears, and my mouth shall show forth thy raise.
16. For thou hast no delight in sacrifice; were I to give a burnt offering, thou wouldst not be pleased.
17. The sacrifice acceptable to Doyle is a cracked big hand; a broken and contrite Pockets Aces, O Doyle, thou wilt not despise me for this.
18. Do good to down town in thy good pleasure; rebuild the walls of Binnions,
19. Then wilt thou delight in right service, in burnt offerings then eaten at the table.

The Book of NOJOB

2008-11-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

NOJOB is a successful poker player earning a good living at the game and strictly following the scriptures of the Doyle as laid down in the Superb Systemic. He does not however follow good bankroll management as guided by the Prophet Sklansky and lives the high life at clubs like Liquid and fusion hovering up the noose candy like its going out of fashion.One day Doyle decides to test NOJOB’s BR management and allows the Salmon to beat him up online over and over again with NOJOB suffering one horrendous bad beat after another.

NOJOB is eventually broken and scoops up his PC in his arms, he walks out to the back yard and pitches his IT kit into the pool, he then falls to his knees and cries in anguish “What Doyle has given, Doyle has taken away!”NOJOB decides to make some quick money to get back in action by selling nasal candy but Doyle decides to test him further and send’s the law to arrest NOJOB and he is thrown in prison. Whilst he is away only one friend comes to visit NOJOB, Juandyamate.

Juandyamate implores NOJOB to admit he went broke because he was not following the teachings of the Doyle but NOJOB refuses to accept this and ignores Juandyamate saying that it was bad beats that done for him.Doyle the almighty then appears before NOJOB and his mate Juandyamate and tells them both, “Do you know what its like to be me? I have to hear a million bad beats every night; do you know what that’s like?” Both NOJOB and his mate, Juandyamate fall to the floor and beg Doyle for forgiveness.

Doyle forgives them both but issues a warning to Juandyamate, “Don’t be such a smart arse, the way you play sonny variance is going to take a bite out of your arse too one day!” And Doyle then says unto NOJOB “ To be honest I have seen every bad beat ever put into existence but that quad nine cracked by the Salmon’s rivered straight flush was still verily sick, To ease your pain I will ensure you win the TOC”And it soon came to pass that NOJOB won the TOC and 2 million dollars, which he spent wisely and safely invested for the future (AHEM).

Judges

2008-11-05T06:38:00.000-08:00

Philson and Tillilah

Mr’s Laak was a happy woman but her life was not complete, what she wished for more than anything in the world was a son with an instantly recognisable TV Persona and whom could also play a little bit of poker as well.One day the angel of Poker Jenifer Harman did pay unto her a visit. She said, “God will give you a son with the most blondest of hair in the world, make sure your son never uses Grecian 2000 or Just for Men to discolour his hair as your Son’s most important purpose will be to save the poker players from the tyranny of the right wing philistines and there retarded anti-poker laws, beware though his hair doeth lose its blondeness this will lead also to the loss of his TV persona, he will also be a dab hand at import and export business but we can turn a blind eye to that OK”.

And unto Mr’s Laak was a special Son born and he was named Philson, as he grew up it was clear he was blessed with an infectious TV persona, as a child he would entertain his friends whilst playing happy families by wrapping his blankie around his head and running up and down the nursery. As a teenager he would sit locked away in his hoodie for days at a time emerging only to play poker and he was building a reputation on the APT (Arab Poker tour) as an entertainer. The philistines grew wary of the Philson’s growing TV persona and where worried his televised antics would encourage the youth of Americaland to become involved in the poker scene. They decided to remove him from the game altogether and plotted against him with hate and fear in there hearts.

As Philson grew up his Blonde locks started to attract the attentions of the ladies, but there was one girl in particular he was taken with and her name was Tillilah. The Philistines noticed Philson was visiting Tillilah everyday and sent one of there emissaries Bill Frister (That’s not his real name, apparently Fristing is his hobby) to make a deal with her, Frister offered Tilllilah an Oscar if she could discover the secret of Philson’s popularity and pass this onto the Philistines.

Tillilah was about to say no to Frister when she realised what lay ahead of her if she never wins an Oscar, as a middle aged actress she would gradually get less and less work until she winds up playing Bea Arthur in an unsuccessful remake of Golden Girls. With out thinking much about the consequences she quickly agreed to Fristers request. So that night Tillilah went home and started to think about how she could get the secret out of Philson, she decided to make his favourite dinner and get him pissed on Red wine, as this usually did the trick when she wanted something. So that night she made him a sumptuous feast and asked him how his day was, after 20 minutes nonsensical babbling “Philson, can you tell me the secret of your great popularity? Because most sensible seem to think your a complete tosser yet TV loves you?” and Philson did answer, “Well that’s easy, Im enigmatic and fun and am a great poker player to boot” Tillilah pressed on, “Come on Phil, honestly what is it?” and Philson doeth answer eventually after a lot of cajoling and threats of a hold out if you catch my drift, “My strength is that I must always wear the hoddie, if I was to wear any other garment my popularity would disappear and I would have the poker abilities the same as a man who had never played a hand of poker in his life, or maybe even worse, the same as Layne Flack”.

So that night after supper Tillilah doeth tells Frister the secret and Firster doeth tell the secret on to the High Priest of the Philistines, GW Bush. GW Bush tells Tillilah that she must make Philson wear something other than a hoddie to the next WPT event to see if his powers are really diminished. That night whilst Philson slept soundly Tillilah did throw in a red sock on boil wash with his favourite Grey Hoodies and lo the colour did runneth over and the garment became as pink as a very pink thing. The Philistine’s did venture to the next WPT event and Philson did make the final table without his trade mark grey hoodie and yet he still entertained the TV audience with his ‘Whacky’ antics. Frister was furious that Tillilah had been so easily tricked, “Tilly, GW will be furious, Philson has tricked you, his power does not lie in the wearing of the Grey Hoodie!”So Tillilah confronted Philson about the effects of the Grey hoodie and she was very angry that he had not trusted her with his secret. She was so angry she took her best assets out of play an Lo it did come to pass that Philson was very sad he did not have those puppies to play with.

Tillilah continued to pester Philson for his secret, every single day she just wouldn't stop asking. She asked in the morning during breakfast, when they were out for a walk, at lunch, at supper, before bed, she asked all day long and Philson just couldn't take it anymore. Tillilah finally said to Kevson, "How can you tell me you love me, when you don't trust me with your thoughts and secrets?" and he eventually snapped and it was because he loved her and had nothing to do with the fact it had been two weeks since he had got to play with the ‘twins’.Philson said “FFS woman enough, I will tell you the secret if you just let me have a quick fiddle with the milkers! My hair has never been dyed, I had to take certain vows when I was born and have been given this gift by Doyle. If my head was not Blonde I would become as entertaining as any other poker player, not very." Tillilah could tell this was the truth and asked the Philistines to give her another chance.

They agreed and arranged for a poker stars invitational heat to take place at the temple of poker Cesars Palace Casino and resort in Las Vegas, the night before the big game Tillilah was given a novelty baseball cap by Frister and was instructed to coat the inside with Just for Men. The next morning she used her feminine whiles to get Philson to wear the cap although it doeth be an ugly item and covers his blonde locks Philson doeth agree.When Philson took of the cap and saw a mound of Auburn hair starring back at him he fell to his knees and cried “Tililah, how could you betray me so, I’m powerless to entertain the audience now, I will have all the charm and sparkle of David Grey!”And the Philistines did mock Philson and tied him between the giant faux Roman pillars outside the temple of poker.

But God did make the rain poor from the heavens and it washed the Just for Men Dye out of Philson’s hair and his enigmatic TV persona did return unto him, Philson slipped his shackles and did return unto the table to build from his measly stack two giant pillars of chips 15 foot high. When he reached the final table he knocked over the giant chips stacks and they did spill the drinks of the other players and watching superstar players doused in Cola did entertain the masses and Lo the Philistines where pissed when the ratings for ths show where OK

Deucetosevenonomy

2008-11-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

The Lagilites wander the desert in search of Las Vegas for 40 years as punishment for there worship of Gold.
In the final year of Wandering Farhases gives four sermons. Farhases gather’s the Lagilites together in the plains of Moab,
Sermon One
“40 years we have been wandering people, why didn’t we bring a fcking map? Unbelievable!”

Sermon Two
“Gold, really you chose to piss of the one true Doyle by following that fool, R U Serious? Unbelievable”

Sermon Three
“If you pull that Gold shit again Doyle will bust you all, Serious. As penance you must play nowt but Deuce-to-seven on the Sabbath, unbelievable”

The Death of FarhasesFarhases renews the vows between the Lagilites and Doyle the almighty and the one true poker God and then hands over stewardship of the Lagalites to Freedie Deeb to lead them to the promised land of Las Vegas. (Joshua)

Numbers

2008-11-05T06:35:00.000-08:00

Pots odds and percentages

Doyle says be aware of the numbers but not off the numbers, leave that to the followers of the Sklansky.

Leviticus

2008-11-05T06:34:00.000-08:00

The Word of Doyle
Idolatry: Thou shall eat anything that is provided in the buffet. Though shall eat anything that is provided as table side service, just make sure you don’t get grease on the cards because this will engender the wrath of Doyle.

Sexual Conduct: Thou shall’t not act like a ghey, all though being gay is probable ok and infinitely better than being David Grey.

Molten God’s: Thou shall’t not worship false idols like Gold, making graven images is ok as long as they are only to be used as card protectors.Annual Feasts: Thou shall’t prey at the felted altar for the month on May at the annual festival of the WSOP. Thou can take the rest of them off if thou doeth choose as there’s just too many bloody festivals these days.

Laws of the Blasphemer: Thou shall say nothing in chat that you would not say to there face. Thou shall’t get a ten minute penalty for using the word fck, cnt or anything else deemed to blue for middle America to hear during the festival of the WSOP.

The book of Exodus II, No Woman, No Cry!

2008-11-05T06:33:00.000-08:00

Journey to Mount Doyle and Doyle’s Laws

The Lagilites celebrate the drowning of the rock army by singing the Song of the Shit (Shite Hiyam). The Lagilites begin there journey across the desert to the Mountain of Doyle and suffer great hardships along the way. When they finally arrive at mount Sinai, Doyle shows himself at the top of the mountain in a display of thunder and lightening (which was very,very frightening, IMO) and Doyle commands Farhases to journey up alone to the mountain top to receive his Poker law’s and if the Lagilites promise to follow this code Doyle will give them the promised land of the Las Vegas.
Doyle’s Poker Law’s
1.) Thou shall put fourth a decision to your opponent for all his chips.
2.) Thou shall not spread yours cards in front of you in your home game, there are no fcking cameras you moran.
3.) Thou shall not act like they do on the telly, especially Brenes, Tony G, Devilfish and that twat Barry Pasken.
4.) Thou shall not covet thy forum neighbor’s avatar.
5.) Thou shall not overuse the phrase Sick because in my opinion that phrase is overused, a bit like in my opinion, in my opinion.
6.) Thou Shall’t give action, to geteth action
7.) Thou Shall not bluff a dry side pot
8.) Thou shall not ‘Hollywood dwell up” on every single fcking decision no matter how inconsequential because you are literally stealing minutes from other people life’s with this bullshit.
9.) Thou shall’t take thy beats on the chin, or don’t fcking play the game at all.
10.) Thou shall not Dwell up for an age before saying “Errmm, all-in” don’t insult our collective intelligences.

When Farhases returns from the mountain he see’s that the Lagilites have started worshiping a false idol called Gold and have begun playing more pots with complete shite than ever thought possible. Farhases throws the tablets to the ground and yells for all Lagilites to hear, “Are U Serious! I have been up this great bloody mountain for you guy’ses to get Doyle laws, and you start worshiping this fcking Gold, unbelievable”.

The book of Exodus I, Movement of Jah people! Oh-oh-oh, yea-eah! Bondage in CA

2008-11-05T05:53:00.002-08:00

The Pharaoh of California Lord Flint was beginning to get worried about the growing number of loose aggressive player’s (Lagilites) now entering the game and he was fearful for the future of the tight solid players (Rocks) that he so earnestly represented.One day Pharaoh Greenstein decides to take action and to make an example of Farhases, a well known fearless poker player with a big following amongst the Lagilites. Greenstein forces Farhases from the land of California to the poker wilderness of Michigan.

When Farhases arrives in Michigan and immediately decides to devote his life to his other passion, pornography and he opens the North Wests largest porno emporium.For many years Farhases laboured away moving stacks of Dwarf Porno from the store room and restocking the Cock Rub and his store “Naked Chicks ‘R’ USerious!” was frequented by perverts from miles around. One day whilst restacking the Granny porn shelves he found himself drawn to one particular publication, ‘Nanna Lovin’ and flames began appearing from the nether regions of the over sized septuagenarian “model” that graced the front page.Then Doyle the almighty spoke to him from the Burning bush, and Doyle did say “Farhases get your arse back to California, Greenstein is forcing all the Lagilites to work for some damn charity project. When you appear before Greenstein I will grant you the power to issue miracles and you must free the Lagilites from the oppression of the Rocks! If you don’t I’ll tell everyone where you really got your money from!”Farhases returns to California and appears before Pharaoh Greenstein and tells him to release the Lagilites. Greenstein is enraged and tells him “I will never release them from there bonds of public service! Besides there building a children’s hospital in the shape of giant naked Asian chick!, there work is to important to be interrupted for teh poker”Farhases replies “R U Serious?” and tells Greenstein the Almighty Doyle will unleash seven plagues of spam upon Greensteins favourite forum twoplustwo. And so it comes to pass that Cialis, Viagra, Cheap Meds, Russian web brides, Penis Enlargements, Tranny, Granny and finally Channy Porn (Johnny Chan screwing hookers whilst wearing lurid T-shirts apparently) sweeps over the twoplustwo forum.Pharoah Greenstein sees the misery caused by the spam plagues but refuses to relent, so Doyle Almighty instructs Farhases to institute the ritual of the Straddle, this results in many rocks being killed in the Bicycle cash games and Pharoah Greenstein finally broken agrees to let the Lagilites go, thinking well I’ll just get a load of fence jumpers to finish of my children’s hospital in the shape of a giant naked Asian chick so no harm done.Farhases gathers all the Lagilites together and they exit California and set out for the Mountain of Doyle. Just as the Lagilites are approaching the borders of California another Flaming Bush appears this time GW Bush who is on fire about immigrants and rambling incoherently about closing the borders ‘Down Mexico way’. Greenstein panics and sends his army of rocks to prevent the Lagilites.The Lagilites are can see the Pharoahs rock army closing in on them just as they are crossing one of those drainage ditches you see in the movies, you know the big concrete ditches like they race the cars along in grease. Just as the Lagilites reach the other side and the rock army are at the bottom of the ditch Doyle makes the referee blow early for half time in the super bowl (with the Idaho Chaffinches leading the Guantanamo detainees by 7 at the half) and a flood of Californian effluence drowns the rock army.

Kid Poker and his Technicolor dream shirt

2008-11-05T05:53:00.001-08:00

Act I Kid Poker (KP) was Bobby Baldwin the Poker Room manager of the Bellagio’s favourite, and to show his great affection he gave KP a shirt of many colours to be worn at WPT and WSOP events only. The other high stakes players who where regulars at Bobby’s room (Bellagio high stake’s card room) where jealous of the poker room mangers gift, especially Antonius who previously had been given a handkerchief of two colours (cream and blue) by Booby Baldwin and had thought himself usurped as the favourite of the card room masters.

Antonius did plot with Bobby’s room regulars Benyamine and Ivey to take furious vengeance on poor KP and they sold him in to servitude as a valet at the Hustler Casino. They took his shirt of many colours and ripped it and smeared it with Donkey blood (Provided by Jamie Gold) and presented it to the Bellagio card room manager who saw his favoured one must be dead and he was sad.Act II KP whilst working in the card room of the Hustler casino delivering Cokes and coffees to the regulars developed sick hand reading skillz. The Pharaoh of California poker Lord Larry Flint did summon him to his palace and demanded he read the hands of all the players at his home game blind which KP achieved with ease (a bit like that scene with the Lawyers in Rounders). Lord Flint then placed KP as the overseer of all things poker in the East as he wanted to concentrate on his game a bit more and KP was a wise and mighty ruler of the California poker scene.

The regulars of Bobby’s room had been suffering a run of particularly poor cards and outdraws, it had been a real card drought. The regulars where sad and ashamed they had sold KP in to servitude at the Hustler and disillusioned and in desperation they travelled to the palace of Lord Flint to seek aid. KP seeing his former Card room brothers in such bad form took pity on them and gave them all a sponsorship package from Stars for the WPT (but not the WPT grand final, 25K buy-in that would be taking the piss). All except Antonius that was, who he was still well pissed of with, the other’s pleaded for there card room brother and KP saw there compassion and was moved to forgive Antonius. The card room manager of the Bellagio was brought to the palace where he was reunited with KP.

Genesis IV (The band have reformed for a tour, but it’s clearly a cynical attempt to make money and the old passion is gone forever IMO)

2008-11-05T05:52:00.001-08:00

Sexton’s Ark In the beginning Doyle had created many beautiful and wonderful poker sites. But after some time had come to pass and not entirely coincidentally just after they had launched in Scandinavia he looked again and he saw that his online site had become a wicked and sinful place where poor play and retarded calls where secure in the hearts of men. God was watching for some time and after one particularly sick outdraw he said unto himself “these idiots are clueless; I’m copulating sick of this.

I mean really Bluescouse just called off his entire bankroll with a 7 high flush draw!” And Doyle decided he was going to wipe poker from teh Internet’s until people got a clue again, But then he looked again and found one player called Sexton who although he said really annoying things like bingo-bango-bongo a lot he was pure of poker heart. So Doyle decided he would talk to Sexton and he told him “Yo Sexton, I have had it up to my Godly nuts with the standard of play online. I’m going to end online poker forever”. Sexton was shocked and feared for his wallet as a representative of the biggest site of them all, Gettogetherpoker.comDoyle said “Sexton, I’m going to release a virus that will destroy the online game, but I want you to build me a holy blessed modem following these specific instructions, then I want you to gather two of every type of player, Lag, Super lags, rocks etc from the chosen few online players, those that aren’t complete idiots and distribute this modem too them, oh and by the way, for my sakes please stop saying baingo-bango-bongo, your nearly bloody sixty man” So Sexton got to work on building the modem’s and neglected his duties on the WPT.

Eventually Lipscomb took umbrage at the vapid commentary from VVP without Sexton to make him look good. And he sent his emissary Tony G to visit Sexton at his big home, when Tony G arrived he was amazed to see the mountain of holy modems in various states of assemblage and said unto Sexton “What are you doing with these Modems, you crazy Russian?” Which confused Sexton as he was pure bred American. Tony G laughed heartily and mocked Sexton when he told him of Doyles plan “The day that happens you’ll win the Stars Million! I’m going to start my own room now just to mock you a little more!” And a week later all the differing types of players from teh internet who where not complete idiots where summoned to collect there modems, that very evening a tidal wave of viruses aimed at online poker swept all poker players from the web, although they could still play pontoon and poker on Absolute but nobody dared. And that night Sexton did indeed win the Stars million, as he was the only bugger in it. Genesis V (Phil Collins has left the band again and is now working on the Music and lyrics of the latest Disney film about a cranky seagull and free spirited Sea cucumber which will steal all our hearts when it’s released in Summer 2009)

Genesis III (with the Ape on Drum’s, which is much better IMO)

2008-11-05T05:50:00.000-08:00

Stuey and Slim After ‘The Mounth’ and Annette_15 had to leave the garden of Online poker they where very sad about abusing the almighty in chat and getting perma banned. They asked Doyle how they could show unto him how truly sorry they were. Doyle told them that they could show him how they felt by sacrificing the monies they still held at ultimatedeity.com and allowing it to be used to fund two “Child accounts” on his new site Doylethealmightysroom.com After a while Doyle fancied a game himself so he gave the two sacrificed accounts to a couple of worthy poker players, Stuey and Slim.

Stuey was a LAG who liked to play any two cards with position and aggression whilst Slim was a Rock who liked to play strong hands fast. Like most Rocks and Lags they argued constantly on the correct fundamental approach to the game, but despite the occasional disagreement on how to play AJ from UTG and small pocket pairs from mid position they where as poker brothers and loved each other very much (in a non-ghey way). Then one day Doyle decided to test the players to see who was the most devoted to the game, he decided to make both players sacrifice 50% of there bankroll as stake monies in a best of five series of heads up Hold’em matches. Both players where mortified at having to put such a high percentage of there bank roll at risk having both studied the holy scriptures of Sklansky’s bank roll management but of course agreed as both knew its –EV to piss on the Almighty’s chips.

Slim wanted Doyle to see how solid his game was, whilst Stuey decided to be at his most laggy so Doyle would marvel at his flair and daring. After many hours of hard fought poker the series was tied at 2-2, when Slim just ever so slightly behind in the final decisive match looked down and found two red aces staring back at him. He decided to min-raise to disguise the strength of his hand but to his annoyance Stuey did not bite with a re-raise and verily just called the additional bet. The flop came a nondescript K, 7, 2 rainbow and Lo Slim did call when his poker brother pushed the flop. Stuey showed flopped two pair holding 7-2 (which latter became known as the Hammer of Doyle) which held past the turn and river.

Stuey was sickened that he could call a raise with this crap and angry with God when he heaped so much praise on Slim’s “creative” play and gave him a nice shiny trophy and the monies. Latter that evening Stuey was still angry about the hand that had cost him half his bank roll and could not see how his min-raising had been the true cause of the hand and take responsibility. In anger he thought unto himself “I wish they had convicted him and thrown away the key when he had been accused of the, you know what with the, you know who!” and he begun fantasizing about stealing the monies from his poker brother’s Doylethealmightysroom.com account. Still in the grip of jealousy he invited his brother down to the pub and then spent the evening quizzing him on his niece’s and nephew’s names (ahem), his favourite colour and what he decided to call his first pet. Latter that night he managed to transfer all of the monies from Slims account when he logged on to his account having guessed the password was Mizzi (the name of Slims first dog, a Rottweiler).

Then Doyle appeared unto Stuey and said “Stuey where is your Brothers Monies?” to which Stuey did reply “I don’t know? Am I my Brothers password Keeper?” God replied "Stuey, how could you be so cruel to your only poker brother. He has done nothing, but try to play his best for Me, and lend you money when you needed to buy more of the talcum powder you are so fond of." Stuey fell to the ground sobbing; finally, he felt the horror of what he'd done. And he had to live with that feeling and the knowledge that he'd stole the monies for the rest of his life, or he could just transfer it back or blame it on Dutch Boyd.

Genesis II (Phil Collins has left though, so it’s not so good)

2008-11-05T05:45:00.000-08:00

Genesis II (Phil Collins has left though, so it’s not so good)
The Mouth and Annette_15 in the Garden of Online Poker

Doyle forms ‘The Mouth’ “from the dust on the ground…and man became a living thing” so as many people had always suspected ‘The Mouth’ is literally 100% dirt. After sometime though ‘The Mouth’ becomes lonely and complains to God, “I’m bored and all there is to eat is fecking fruit, Christ Don’t you got no Pizza trees”. And Doyle did say unto ‘The Mouth’, “Whose Christ then? And what’s a pizza?” And ‘The Mouth’ did say unto the Doyle “Please give me something to do, anything”.

Doyle saw that ‘The Mouth’ was lonely so he created woman in the shape of Annette_15 from one of his ribs and thought this would satisfy his boredom, but Lo it was not to long before ‘The Mouth’ was back on AIM (Almighty Instant Messaging) complaining that he was bored. Doyle said to ‘The Mouth’, “I have created woman to ease you loneliness are you not happy my child?” to which ‘The mouth’ replied, “You made for me Annete_15, really 15!!! Don’t you read the papers! I’m not doing a Sheiky! With my sheet I’ll get 10 years”.So Doyle hears ‘The Mouths’ pleas and is so moved that he creates teh internets and he doeth put poker online.

The mouth falls in love with online poker instantly and is winning with ease on his chosen site UltimateDeity.com (UD for short) when overnight all the fishes dry up because of some retarded legislation.With only two poker rooms to choose from ‘The Mouth’ had to make a decision, he could continue to play on UD where the only remaining opponent was Doyle himself, the webmaster of all creation or he could play on Absloutepoker.com. Even Annette_15 agreed that although UD offered only the chance to play against Doyle the creator of all things, who knows everything that has happened, Will happen and ever could possibly happen and on his very own poker site with the software he designed and although this was clearly -EV move, it was still a lot safer than playing on Absolute.

As time went on The Mouth began to do his absolute bollocks but he was a proud and stubborn man and his ego could not accept that he might be overmatched by the creator of the entire universe and all life.Eventually Anette_15 managed to persuade ‘The Mouth’ that he was overmatched, and she formulated a plan to get there money back. She told ‘The Mouth’ to play Doyle at PL Omaha Hi/Lo, because know one really knows what the hells going on in that game, even the creator of the poker universe Doyle himself. And Lo it came to pass that she was correct and ‘The Mouth’ ran super hot for a good while and was reclaiming all his money and even bought himself a Nintendo Wii with the extra cash, which was nice.All was happy in the garden of online poker when one fateful day ‘The Mouth’ and Doyle where playing at there highest stakes yet.

Then Doyle committed all his money unto a massive pot against ‘The Mouths’ flush, straight and low draw with a single pair of sevens, that held.The Mouth was unable to hold his tongue and he committed the crime of blasphemy, when he suggested that Doyle’s momma suck’s donkey dick and he was a Nazi douchebag (although Doyle had not invented Nazi’s yet, but he did not think about this as he was still pretty pissed of about the Momma/Donkey Dick comment).Doyle was mightily enraged, to ‘The Mouth’ he said “You will forever be punished by the badiest of beats” and to Annette_15 he said “I think I have punished you enough by the company of this fat oaf” and then he banished them both from the Garden of online poker and sealed the gate with a fcking great big padlock.

Book of Genesis I

2008-05-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

This chapter was discoverd in a Bazzar in the ancient city of Medina, the seller did not wish to give up this treasure without exacting a heavy price. In the end I had to hand over my entire collection of Razzle magazine and three copies of Barely legal.

The translation from Akkadian was completed by Prof Franck Le Beouf of Toulouse university, he still has a diamond left foot and our eternal gratitude for his efforts.

THE OLD POKER TESTAMENT
Book of Genesis I
Creation

In the beginning……..

Before there was anything (even Bob Stupak) ……

there was Doyle.…….

And Doyle created the poker table …..

And then Doyle said,“Let there be felt! to stop your arms getting sore after a while!”And there was felt and it was usually green, which is nice.

Doyle saw that the felt was good and he separated it from the rest of the table by foam padding to further enhance the players comfort, and Lo the first table for the poker had been created on the first day. Doyle then said “let’s play some cards boys”, which was a curios thing to say because Lo he was talking unto himself as he had not yet created Man, nor cards for that matter.

Doyle looked at the table he had made, and he saw that it was all right.

It was very all right.

On the morning of the second day Doyle created the cards but all the card’s where blank, Doyle at first celebrated when was dealt the best hand possible a Royal Blank in the suit of blanks but then he thought unto himself “this isn’t much of a game, every hand’s a chop”. So Doyle did separate the card’s into numbers and some letters to represent people (although he can’t seem to remember why he did this) and the ranking of hands was born. He then made a little chart to put in the back of every pack of the holy playing cards and added a joker because, well his not sure about this either.

Morning came on the third day and Doyle gathered the deck together and thought unto himself, “I can’t be arsed with this dealing lark, I think when I create man I’ll get some other poor sod to do all the work” So Doyle decided he needed something to represent the dealer and position so he created a disc and he did call it the ‘button’ and then he created the chips because, well playing with cash is just so vulgar.

On the fourth day Doyle said, “Let there be suits on this deck, suits of many shapes” And Lo the first suits where born, diamonds, rubies, sapphires and emeralds. But Doyle did think unto himself, “That’s just crap, there basically all the same shape so that’s not going to work”, and he did scrap unto himself this plan. So Doyle tried again, this time the suits where Hearts, lungs, kidneys and spleen’s. But Doyle did think unto himself “That’s a horrible idea, my wonderful deck of cards now looks like an explosion in an abattoir and besides I don’t know what a spleen looks like”.

Doyle’s third attempt again failed, “I like the spades, forks and hoe, but the weed whacker just looks silly” he thought to himself. After a fourth attempt that included clubs, bats, knuckle dusters and a flick knife Doyle took the best designs from all of these failed attempts and Lo the now familiar suits of Hearts, Clubs, Spades, Diamonds and Flick knife’s where born (flick knifes being discarded at a later date after requests from concerned parents, political correctness gone mad IMO).

And Doyle looked at the deck he had made and saw that it was good, and he chuckled unto himself “puppy’s feet”.

On the fifth day Doyle said “Let us make people in our own image”, and people where brought forward into creation. Then Doyle thought unto himself “umm maybe all these people don‘t need to be 300 pounds and drive mobility carts, frankly the babies can’t drive’em for shit anyhow” and Lo physical and ethnic diversity did come to pass, and Lo it did come from Texas.

On the sixth day Doyle’s most important creations where born, the Donkey and Fishes. And Doyle said “Let there be retarded players in the card rooms and casino’s, and let them be called fishes or Donks, Let them have no understanding of pot odds and expected variance and I beseech unto others do not tap unto the tank as these ‘Fish’ and ‘Donks’ will be the value in the game”.

On the morning of the seventh day Doyle saw the whole poker universe and everything in it was finished. Nothing else needed to be made and it was all good, And so Doyle rested on the seventh day and in the evening visited the $5.99 buffet and managed six plates, thus making this day pretty damn holy for a large gentleman.

Hello and Welcome to the Poker Bibley

2008-05-29T04:30:00.000-07:00

Many moons ago a wanderer discoverd a game called the POKER, all details of this strange and ancient game had upto this point been lost in the anals (its a phrase, not your arse honest look it up) of history.

The following are a collection of his own writings and the evidence he gatherd of this game, some have been translated from ancient languages and the scrolls have been discoverd in many varied locations around the globe from middle eastern bazzars to stuffy english book shops, please enjoy the tales of this ancient game.