This chapter was discoverd in a Bazzar in the ancient city of Medina, the seller did not wish to give up this treasure without exacting a heavy price. In the end I had to hand over my entire collection of Razzle magazine and three copies of Barely legal. .
The translation from Akkadian was completed by Prof Franck Le Beouf of Toulouse university, he still has a diamond left foot and our eternal gratitude for his efforts.
In the beginning……..
Before there was anything (even Bob Stupak) ……
there was Doyle.…….
And Doyle created the poker table …..
And then Doyle said,“Let there be felt! to stop your arms getting sore after a while!”And there was felt and it was usually green, which is nice.
Doyle saw that the felt was good and he separated it from the rest of the table by foam padding to further enhance the players comfort, and Lo the first table for the poker had been created on the first day. Doyle then said “let’s play some cards boys”, which was a curios thing to say because Lo he was talking unto himself as he had not yet created Man, nor cards for that matter.
Doyle looked at the table he had made, and he saw that it was all right.
It was very all right.
On the morning of the second day Doyle created the cards but all the card’s where blank, Doyle at first celebrated when was dealt the best hand possible a Royal Blank in the suit of blanks but then he thought unto himself “this isn’t much of a game, every hand’s a chop”. So Doyle did separate the card’s into numbers and some letters to represent people (although he can’t seem to remember why he did this) and the ranking of hands was born. He then made a little chart to put in the back of every pack of the holy playing cards and added a joker because, well his not sure about this either.
Morning came on the third day and Doyle gathered the deck together and thought unto himself, “I can’t be arsed with this dealing lark, I think when I create man I’ll get some other poor sod to do all the work” So Doyle decided he needed something to represent the dealer and position so he created a disc and he did call it the ‘button’ and then he created the chips because, well playing with cash is just so vulgar.
On the fourth day Doyle said, “Let there be suits on this deck, suits of many shapes” And Lo the first suits where born, diamonds, rubies, sapphires and emeralds. But Doyle did think unto himself, “That’s just crap, there basically all the same shape so that’s not going to work”, and he did scrap unto himself this plan. So Doyle tried again, this time the suits where Hearts, lungs, kidneys and spleen’s. But Doyle did think unto himself “That’s a horrible idea, my wonderful deck of cards now looks like an explosion in an abattoir and besides I don’t know what a spleen looks like”.
Doyle’s third attempt again failed, “I like the spades, forks and hoe, but the weed whacker just looks silly” he thought to himself. After a fourth attempt that included clubs, bats, knuckle dusters and a flick knife Doyle took the best designs from all of these failed attempts and Lo the now familiar suits of Hearts, Clubs, Spades, Diamonds and Flick knife’s where born (flick knifes being discarded at a later date after requests from concerned parents, political correctness gone mad IMO).
And Doyle looked at the deck he had made and saw that it was good, and he chuckled unto himself “puppy’s feet”.
On the fifth day Doyle said “Let us make people in our own image”, and people where brought forward into creation. Then Doyle thought unto himself “umm maybe all these people don‘t need to be 300 pounds and drive mobility carts, frankly the babies can’t drive’em for shit anyhow” and Lo physical and ethnic diversity did come to pass, and Lo it did come from Texas.
On the sixth day Doyle’s most important creations where born, the Donkey and Fishes. And Doyle said “Let there be retarded players in the card rooms and casino’s, and let them be called fishes or Donks, Let them have no understanding of pot odds and expected variance and I beseech unto others do not tap unto the tank as these ‘Fish’ and ‘Donks’ will be the value in the game”.
On the morning of the seventh day Doyle saw the whole poker universe and everything in it was finished. Nothing else needed to be made and it was all good, And so Doyle rested on the seventh day and in the evening visited the $5.99 buffet and managed six plates, thus making this day pretty damn holy for a large gentleman.
THE OLD POKER TESTAMENT
Book of Genesis I
Creation
Book of Genesis I
Creation
In the beginning……..
Before there was anything (even Bob Stupak) ……
there was Doyle.…….
And Doyle created the poker table …..
And then Doyle said,“Let there be felt! to stop your arms getting sore after a while!”And there was felt and it was usually green, which is nice.
Doyle saw that the felt was good and he separated it from the rest of the table by foam padding to further enhance the players comfort, and Lo the first table for the poker had been created on the first day. Doyle then said “let’s play some cards boys”, which was a curios thing to say because Lo he was talking unto himself as he had not yet created Man, nor cards for that matter.
Doyle looked at the table he had made, and he saw that it was all right.
It was very all right.
On the morning of the second day Doyle created the cards but all the card’s where blank, Doyle at first celebrated when was dealt the best hand possible a Royal Blank in the suit of blanks but then he thought unto himself “this isn’t much of a game, every hand’s a chop”. So Doyle did separate the card’s into numbers and some letters to represent people (although he can’t seem to remember why he did this) and the ranking of hands was born. He then made a little chart to put in the back of every pack of the holy playing cards and added a joker because, well his not sure about this either.
Morning came on the third day and Doyle gathered the deck together and thought unto himself, “I can’t be arsed with this dealing lark, I think when I create man I’ll get some other poor sod to do all the work” So Doyle decided he needed something to represent the dealer and position so he created a disc and he did call it the ‘button’ and then he created the chips because, well playing with cash is just so vulgar.
On the fourth day Doyle said, “Let there be suits on this deck, suits of many shapes” And Lo the first suits where born, diamonds, rubies, sapphires and emeralds. But Doyle did think unto himself, “That’s just crap, there basically all the same shape so that’s not going to work”, and he did scrap unto himself this plan. So Doyle tried again, this time the suits where Hearts, lungs, kidneys and spleen’s. But Doyle did think unto himself “That’s a horrible idea, my wonderful deck of cards now looks like an explosion in an abattoir and besides I don’t know what a spleen looks like”.
Doyle’s third attempt again failed, “I like the spades, forks and hoe, but the weed whacker just looks silly” he thought to himself. After a fourth attempt that included clubs, bats, knuckle dusters and a flick knife Doyle took the best designs from all of these failed attempts and Lo the now familiar suits of Hearts, Clubs, Spades, Diamonds and Flick knife’s where born (flick knifes being discarded at a later date after requests from concerned parents, political correctness gone mad IMO).
And Doyle looked at the deck he had made and saw that it was good, and he chuckled unto himself “puppy’s feet”.
On the fifth day Doyle said “Let us make people in our own image”, and people where brought forward into creation. Then Doyle thought unto himself “umm maybe all these people don‘t need to be 300 pounds and drive mobility carts, frankly the babies can’t drive’em for shit anyhow” and Lo physical and ethnic diversity did come to pass, and Lo it did come from Texas.
On the sixth day Doyle’s most important creations where born, the Donkey and Fishes. And Doyle said “Let there be retarded players in the card rooms and casino’s, and let them be called fishes or Donks, Let them have no understanding of pot odds and expected variance and I beseech unto others do not tap unto the tank as these ‘Fish’ and ‘Donks’ will be the value in the game”.
On the morning of the seventh day Doyle saw the whole poker universe and everything in it was finished. Nothing else needed to be made and it was all good, And so Doyle rested on the seventh day and in the evening visited the $5.99 buffet and managed six plates, thus making this day pretty damn holy for a large gentleman.
