Wednesday, 5 November 2008
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I just found this content and decided to post, if enough people leave a comment saying they would like to see this fixed up I will add paints and improve it. If no one gives a fuck so be it :)
John
Crucifixion of Phesus
So it came to pass that on Day One ZA of the main event (there being now 226 day ones (starting at Day One AA and so on) in total following the increased popularity of the game after the emergence of the Son of Doyle, Phesus. Yes he is just that popular) that Phesus was moved to the television table.And Lo he did turn up late after crashing a car into a concrete bollard and walking away from the accident, just one of the many miracles he undertook, in fact very much latter someone knocked a bottle of water from the table top and Phesus trod on it thus proving he could infact walk on water.
Whilst on the TV table Phesus did raise from under the gun with AK and he did verily call a shove from a guy who had been getting on his tit’s. And thus it came to pass that Phesus had AK and matey boy KJ and it did tilt Phesus and awsfull lot when he did spike a jack and cripple Phesus.Phesus did exclaim. “Thou doeth not even know how to splell’ist the word poker you moran!” and he looked to the heavens and asked “My doeth you forsake me Doyle and let these Donkeys catch?” And so it came to pass that Chadas Crucified Phesus on national TV and Lorn Mcahern did deny he was the best player in the world three times.Resurrection of PhesusChadas was so guilty about the Crucifixion of Phesus that he commited suicide, by remarrying for a 14th time. Then it came to pass that Phesus was invited onto the national headsup championship.
And Lo he appraed on NBC and went onto win the whole thing and raise his profile from the dead, at this point he told the world “Doyle sent me to suffer for the sins of your bad calls, I was sent to be crucified and suffer outdraws for the whole of humankind”. And then he fcked off and bought himself and Islande somewhere.
Valet of Doyle
O Card Room Valet, that takest away the Dirty Plates of Food, for a small tip from us.O Card Doom Valet, that takest away the half finished drinks, for a small tip.O Card Room Valet, that takest away or filthy mess, please bring us a tea, white, one sugar please.
The Good Player
I am the good player. The good player lays down a hand when he thinks his beat and protects his chips. The bad player gets married to big pair and cares not for the welfare of his stack on a dangerous board.I am the good player; I know my fish but my fish do not know me- for I do not tap on thy tank. The reason my fish love me is that I give them action and play with flair knowing wher im at but acting as the fish do. They do not know I’m really a fcking shark im will devour them.
So it came to pass that on Day One ZA of the main event (there being now 226 day ones (starting at Day One AA and so on) in total following the increased popularity of the game after the emergence of the Son of Doyle, Phesus. Yes he is just that popular) that Phesus was moved to the television table.And Lo he did turn up late after crashing a car into a concrete bollard and walking away from the accident, just one of the many miracles he undertook, in fact very much latter someone knocked a bottle of water from the table top and Phesus trod on it thus proving he could infact walk on water.
Whilst on the TV table Phesus did raise from under the gun with AK and he did verily call a shove from a guy who had been getting on his tit’s. And thus it came to pass that Phesus had AK and matey boy KJ and it did tilt Phesus and awsfull lot when he did spike a jack and cripple Phesus.Phesus did exclaim. “Thou doeth not even know how to splell’ist the word poker you moran!” and he looked to the heavens and asked “My doeth you forsake me Doyle and let these Donkeys catch?” And so it came to pass that Chadas Crucified Phesus on national TV and Lorn Mcahern did deny he was the best player in the world three times.Resurrection of PhesusChadas was so guilty about the Crucifixion of Phesus that he commited suicide, by remarrying for a 14th time. Then it came to pass that Phesus was invited onto the national headsup championship.
And Lo he appraed on NBC and went onto win the whole thing and raise his profile from the dead, at this point he told the world “Doyle sent me to suffer for the sins of your bad calls, I was sent to be crucified and suffer outdraws for the whole of humankind”. And then he fcked off and bought himself and Islande somewhere.
Valet of Doyle
O Card Room Valet, that takest away the Dirty Plates of Food, for a small tip from us.O Card Doom Valet, that takest away the half finished drinks, for a small tip.O Card Room Valet, that takest away or filthy mess, please bring us a tea, white, one sugar please.
The Good Player
I am the good player. The good player lays down a hand when he thinks his beat and protects his chips. The bad player gets married to big pair and cares not for the welfare of his stack on a dangerous board.I am the good player; I know my fish but my fish do not know me- for I do not tap on thy tank. The reason my fish love me is that I give them action and play with flair knowing wher im at but acting as the fish do. They do not know I’m really a fcking shark im will devour them.
The Parable of the Prodigal Stake Horse
Famed Backer E-Dog had two favourite Stake horse’s, Bill Gazes and Gavin Williams and Lo he was proud on the odd occasion they returned unto him something that was more than peanuts. One day Gavin came to E-Dog and said “You now have made much money from my endeavours, I would like my fair share of this, as a respected and honourable player I deserve it”.
So E-Dog thought on this and decided to give a fair share to both of his favourite stake horses.So E-Dog Neteller’d each ‘Son’ $1,000,000 Gavin decided seeing as he had so much money he would have some fun with it and posted this on twoplustwo a thread entitled “How should I blow my dough?”. E-Dog warned Gavin to use the money wisely and play within his roll, this angered him greatly, Gavin did post “Up yours man, im going to have some fun.
I hate you, you’re so sad. Urrrrr, I hate you. You treat me like a kid!”So Gavin did leave in a big copulating huff, he left a loving Las Vegas home with many poker friends and most importantly he left E-Dog who had loved his play enough to entrust him with his stake monies and this made E-Dog extremely sad indeed and he did miss Gavin very much as he was a funny fcker.
Soon stories began to trickle back to Vegas that Gavin was making wild and lavish posts on The Quendon Mob (An English forum started by a group of Bridge players who originated in the small market town near Saffron Walden in England, the forum is renowned for being mostly populated by those on the fringes of the Bridge Community, real wild men by all accounts) and he had also been spotted on Full Tilt poker playing at the very highest tables, playing at limits that everyone knew where reckless to play even on a $1,000,000 (about €1,000 at the current exchange rate for European readers) bankroll.
Eventually all the money was gone and with it so where his new forum ‘Fair weather’ friends, soon Gavin was forced to play FTP point comps and eventually he was reduced to playing 2700 man free roll’s for very little return. His complaint’s about bad beats in free rolls soon saw him ridiculed on his new forums and eventually banned when he told all and sundry to “Suck on Big Gav’s cock you mothers!” Shortly after grinding for four hours and beating 2680 players to win .05, he realized he had reached rock bottom.As Gavin sat hunched over his PC poised to try and register for an after dark free roll before it filled, he found himself considering asking random players to wire him $1 and Lo this was the moment he decided something had to be done.
Gavin thought “At least when I was in Vegas it was warm and the buffets where plentiful although the food was of inferior quality, I shall return to Vegas and throw myself on E-Dogs Mercy”.So Gavin returned to Vegas and was hoping to be allowed to sleep on E-Dogs sofa and maybe do his laundry for food money till he got back into action. When he knocked on E-Dogs door he was warmly greeted by E-Dog “Gavin my old son, welcome back”. Gavin doth reply “I’m sorry E-Dog, I have sinned against you, Poker and Doyle, please forgive me and just let me sleep on your Sofa until I can get back unto the action”. Gavin wanted to continue to beg forgiveness but E-Dog stopped him “Welcome home Gavin, I will put you unto the action at once with a 50-50 chop.
Also I shall arrange a party tonight with much beer and many hookers!”Meanwhile Bill Gazes was busy cleaning out the pool after just completing a hard mornings work clearing E-Dogs guttering when he heard a commotion. Intrigued he wondered what was going on and listened into E-Dog’s frantic phone calls to arrange the party he was annoyed and resented the welcome Gavin was receiving so he decided to give the party a wide berth.
When E-Dog came to hear of this he did say unto him, “Bill, what the copulate is wrong with you?” To which Bill did reply, “Its not fair E-Dog, my staking brother went away and lost all his money playing high stake’s limits on Full Tilt and posting on forum’s that are ghey! Then he doest return and you throw him a party with Beer and hookers, I have stayed her and done works around your house the whole time and played at sensible stake well within my bankroll, yet you doeth treat me like the ghey one and throw no party in my honour!” E-Dog replied “But Bill we have to celebrate and be glad because this staking brother of yours was lost and now he is found! And besides he makes me laugh as his of his copulating head”
So E-Dog thought on this and decided to give a fair share to both of his favourite stake horses.So E-Dog Neteller’d each ‘Son’ $1,000,000 Gavin decided seeing as he had so much money he would have some fun with it and posted this on twoplustwo a thread entitled “How should I blow my dough?”. E-Dog warned Gavin to use the money wisely and play within his roll, this angered him greatly, Gavin did post “Up yours man, im going to have some fun.
I hate you, you’re so sad. Urrrrr, I hate you. You treat me like a kid!”So Gavin did leave in a big copulating huff, he left a loving Las Vegas home with many poker friends and most importantly he left E-Dog who had loved his play enough to entrust him with his stake monies and this made E-Dog extremely sad indeed and he did miss Gavin very much as he was a funny fcker.
Soon stories began to trickle back to Vegas that Gavin was making wild and lavish posts on The Quendon Mob (An English forum started by a group of Bridge players who originated in the small market town near Saffron Walden in England, the forum is renowned for being mostly populated by those on the fringes of the Bridge Community, real wild men by all accounts) and he had also been spotted on Full Tilt poker playing at the very highest tables, playing at limits that everyone knew where reckless to play even on a $1,000,000 (about €1,000 at the current exchange rate for European readers) bankroll.
Eventually all the money was gone and with it so where his new forum ‘Fair weather’ friends, soon Gavin was forced to play FTP point comps and eventually he was reduced to playing 2700 man free roll’s for very little return. His complaint’s about bad beats in free rolls soon saw him ridiculed on his new forums and eventually banned when he told all and sundry to “Suck on Big Gav’s cock you mothers!” Shortly after grinding for four hours and beating 2680 players to win .05, he realized he had reached rock bottom.As Gavin sat hunched over his PC poised to try and register for an after dark free roll before it filled, he found himself considering asking random players to wire him $1 and Lo this was the moment he decided something had to be done.
Gavin thought “At least when I was in Vegas it was warm and the buffets where plentiful although the food was of inferior quality, I shall return to Vegas and throw myself on E-Dogs Mercy”.So Gavin returned to Vegas and was hoping to be allowed to sleep on E-Dogs sofa and maybe do his laundry for food money till he got back into action. When he knocked on E-Dogs door he was warmly greeted by E-Dog “Gavin my old son, welcome back”. Gavin doth reply “I’m sorry E-Dog, I have sinned against you, Poker and Doyle, please forgive me and just let me sleep on your Sofa until I can get back unto the action”. Gavin wanted to continue to beg forgiveness but E-Dog stopped him “Welcome home Gavin, I will put you unto the action at once with a 50-50 chop.
Also I shall arrange a party tonight with much beer and many hookers!”Meanwhile Bill Gazes was busy cleaning out the pool after just completing a hard mornings work clearing E-Dogs guttering when he heard a commotion. Intrigued he wondered what was going on and listened into E-Dog’s frantic phone calls to arrange the party he was annoyed and resented the welcome Gavin was receiving so he decided to give the party a wide berth.
When E-Dog came to hear of this he did say unto him, “Bill, what the copulate is wrong with you?” To which Bill did reply, “Its not fair E-Dog, my staking brother went away and lost all his money playing high stake’s limits on Full Tilt and posting on forum’s that are ghey! Then he doest return and you throw him a party with Beer and hookers, I have stayed her and done works around your house the whole time and played at sensible stake well within my bankroll, yet you doeth treat me like the ghey one and throw no party in my honour!” E-Dog replied “But Bill we have to celebrate and be glad because this staking brother of yours was lost and now he is found! And besides he makes me laugh as his of his copulating head”
The Parable of the lost Chip
“How think ye? if a man has an hundred chips, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth under the table and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that chip, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Which doeth make no sense at all really”
The Last Home Game
As I received from the lord Phesus I will pass onto you,
Phesus on the night he was betrayed called all his disciples together at his comped suite at the Bellagio, The suite was comped because the owners know what a class act and all-round great guy Phesus is and wanted to make sure he stayed there in the run up to the Main event.
When the disciples arrived Phesus invited them to be seated around a green felted altar, Chadus was sat to the left of Phesus and had joked that, “He had position on the Son of Doyle!” which no one found at all funny.Phesus took out a big wedge of cash before they started and said, “this is the money I earned last night, when ever you have a profitable session think of me and the things I have taught you, because without me you would all be nothing”Then he picked up a bottle of Dom Perignon and poured a glass and said “Take this all of you and drink it, and when you drink this classy, elegant champagne think of me, a classy elegant guy”And the disciples did as Phesus had instructed, Phesus then said, “Before this Main event is over one of you will have betrayed me, on national TV” and he went on to say, “one of you will also deny me three times, also on national TV”.
The disciples all made protestations and reaffirmed there loyalty to Phesus, Lon Machern being them most vocal, “I would never deny you Phesus, it is clear you adre the greatest player of the poker and the true Son of Doyle, not the heritic Todd who lacks all of your charisma and is not a classy guy like you who drink Dom Perignon!”Phesus just nodded his head sagely and then reiterates “I will be betrayed by one who is now present, there shall be woe to the man who betrays the Son of Doyle! It would be better for him if he had not been born, because he is a classless guy, not at all like me, ahem”The Resurrection of Lazastraus, AKA A Chip and a ChairPhesus and his disciples where watching the ‘82’ main event after Phesus has been knocked out by yet another horrendous bad beat with which he took with grace and style, because he is such a class act.
When the player know as Jack ‘Tree top’ Lazastraus lost a big pot and wlaked away from the table thining he was eliminated.Phesus noticed that he had one chip remaining under a napkin and called him back, saying “Hey Jack, you have a chip left. And that’s all you need A Chips and a chair”. Lazastraus returned to the table and was renewd by the words of Phesus, he turned that chip into a might stack and went on to win the series of ‘82’ main event and it was all down to Phesus and he should have been crowned the true champion of that year, but being Phesus he did’nt even mention it and let some anonymous waited take the credit for seeing the remaining chip, which just goes top show what a class act he truly is.
Phesus on the night he was betrayed called all his disciples together at his comped suite at the Bellagio, The suite was comped because the owners know what a class act and all-round great guy Phesus is and wanted to make sure he stayed there in the run up to the Main event.
When the disciples arrived Phesus invited them to be seated around a green felted altar, Chadus was sat to the left of Phesus and had joked that, “He had position on the Son of Doyle!” which no one found at all funny.Phesus took out a big wedge of cash before they started and said, “this is the money I earned last night, when ever you have a profitable session think of me and the things I have taught you, because without me you would all be nothing”Then he picked up a bottle of Dom Perignon and poured a glass and said “Take this all of you and drink it, and when you drink this classy, elegant champagne think of me, a classy elegant guy”And the disciples did as Phesus had instructed, Phesus then said, “Before this Main event is over one of you will have betrayed me, on national TV” and he went on to say, “one of you will also deny me three times, also on national TV”.
The disciples all made protestations and reaffirmed there loyalty to Phesus, Lon Machern being them most vocal, “I would never deny you Phesus, it is clear you adre the greatest player of the poker and the true Son of Doyle, not the heritic Todd who lacks all of your charisma and is not a classy guy like you who drink Dom Perignon!”Phesus just nodded his head sagely and then reiterates “I will be betrayed by one who is now present, there shall be woe to the man who betrays the Son of Doyle! It would be better for him if he had not been born, because he is a classless guy, not at all like me, ahem”The Resurrection of Lazastraus, AKA A Chip and a ChairPhesus and his disciples where watching the ‘82’ main event after Phesus has been knocked out by yet another horrendous bad beat with which he took with grace and style, because he is such a class act.
When the player know as Jack ‘Tree top’ Lazastraus lost a big pot and wlaked away from the table thining he was eliminated.Phesus noticed that he had one chip remaining under a napkin and called him back, saying “Hey Jack, you have a chip left. And that’s all you need A Chips and a chair”. Lazastraus returned to the table and was renewd by the words of Phesus, he turned that chip into a might stack and went on to win the series of ‘82’ main event and it was all down to Phesus and he should have been crowned the true champion of that year, but being Phesus he did’nt even mention it and let some anonymous waited take the credit for seeing the remaining chip, which just goes top show what a class act he truly is.
Doyles Prayer
Our Doyle,
whose art is poker,
hallowed be thy name;
thy flush draw come;
thy made hands won,
in Party as it is on poker heaven.
Give us this day our daily pots.
And forgive us our bad passes,
as we forgive those that make bad calls against us.
And lead us not unto the craps tables;
but deliver us from check raises.
For thine is the EPT,the WPT, and the WSOP glory,
For ever and ever.
Ahem
whose art is poker,
hallowed be thy name;
thy flush draw come;
thy made hands won,
in Party as it is on poker heaven.
Give us this day our daily pots.
And forgive us our bad passes,
as we forgive those that make bad calls against us.
And lead us not unto the craps tables;
but deliver us from check raises.
For thine is the EPT,the WPT, and the WSOP glory,
For ever and ever.
Ahem
Luckey
Sermon on the Plane
And it came to pass that Phesus was representing UD in Europe, where he always felt comfortable because Lo he was a class act who drank Dom Pernigon. Phesus was persuaded to play the Phil of the Ivey at Chinese and he was getting killed so deicided to join Phil of the Ivey on his hired private charter back to the Las Vegas and attempt to win his money back. And Lo Phil of the Ivey did continue to crucify Phesus (sorry, poor choice of words) all the way across the Atlantic, but Phesus did not complain about what a lucky son of the Bitch Phil of the Ivey is and paid up promptly when they landed because his such a class act, as Phesus later told his disciples “Pay up to others, as thou would want to be paid up to thyself”
The Parable of the Good Samaritan
Whilst holding a UD sponsored training camp an expert in poker said unto Phesus, “What of the chances to steal chips when an opponent times out or is otherwise missing from the table? How are we to deal with these opportunities oh Lord Phesus?”And Phesus replied, “Treat your opponent as you would like to be treated unto yourself, you know me a good sport”But the fellow expert continued, “What do you mean be a good sport? Please answer my question properly!”And Phesus said, “One day there was a man at the WSOP on the bubble who had heard the wrong announcement from a neighbouring room and innocently mistaken the short break for the dinner break, when the other players returned they all set about stealing his blinds except for one man, an Irish man named Andy Black”“He played as slow as possible and with tears in his eye’s got the clock called on him time and time again, which do you think my learned friend was the good sport?”And the other poker expert did say, “I suppose, but don’t you think the crying was a bit much?” and Phesus said “Yes I suppose it was a bit”.
And it came to pass that Phesus was representing UD in Europe, where he always felt comfortable because Lo he was a class act who drank Dom Pernigon. Phesus was persuaded to play the Phil of the Ivey at Chinese and he was getting killed so deicided to join Phil of the Ivey on his hired private charter back to the Las Vegas and attempt to win his money back. And Lo Phil of the Ivey did continue to crucify Phesus (sorry, poor choice of words) all the way across the Atlantic, but Phesus did not complain about what a lucky son of the Bitch Phil of the Ivey is and paid up promptly when they landed because his such a class act, as Phesus later told his disciples “Pay up to others, as thou would want to be paid up to thyself”
The Parable of the Good Samaritan
Whilst holding a UD sponsored training camp an expert in poker said unto Phesus, “What of the chances to steal chips when an opponent times out or is otherwise missing from the table? How are we to deal with these opportunities oh Lord Phesus?”And Phesus replied, “Treat your opponent as you would like to be treated unto yourself, you know me a good sport”But the fellow expert continued, “What do you mean be a good sport? Please answer my question properly!”And Phesus said, “One day there was a man at the WSOP on the bubble who had heard the wrong announcement from a neighbouring room and innocently mistaken the short break for the dinner break, when the other players returned they all set about stealing his blinds except for one man, an Irish man named Andy Black”“He played as slow as possible and with tears in his eye’s got the clock called on him time and time again, which do you think my learned friend was the good sport?”And the other poker expert did say, “I suppose, but don’t you think the crying was a bit much?” and Phesus said “Yes I suppose it was a bit”.
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